June 2005

When I have no good idea what to blah, I will read back my archives.
Damn, I sure can blahed last year.
Just for June itself, the entries are long and long...that I got tired of scrolling down and reading backwards.

I just started my current job then and blardy heck, what happened to time? 2 years passed and I am still with them.
Honestly I like my job (when I'm upbeat enough), I like the people here but I just didn't quite like my pay.
I am constantly trading the in-monetary with the monetary perks.

I am a lil' bemused by myself when I realised how much a person I had become when I didn't quite want to become like someone today.
What I mean is that you know...while you were younger, you often swore that you would not just become another working ind-uhvidual in the society. But I realised this is how the society shapes you to be.
Society culture, work nature and many other factors morphe you into just another person in the working world.

I'm not trading my dreams or my soul. I dont have big ambition to start off with, neither a vivid dream to aspire to. I am just the type that live up from day to day and want daily happiness and romance and simple bliss.
Some people dream big(tell me about the astronaut story again) but I come to realised that not everyone would exactly have a dream. (I think)
If you really were to put it that way, I guess my 'dream' is what I just mentioned. Daily happiness, romances and simple bliss. The cream would be able to sightsee the world without paying and working. HAHAHAHHAHA!

You know...I'm turning 23 soon.
23.
Then you have 24 and quater century. How cruel it is to categorize us to age groups? I often think we would all live longer if age is never invented.
Oh well.

I dunno if you have the time, but maybe if you are really, REALLY bored, go to my archives. Some were really long and I wondered where in the first place did I find those kinda thoughts and energy.
Maybe it's youth..then.

Gd night.

1250th post

And I've nothing interesting to share.
Work is fine and life is fine. While I am appreciating it, I pray so for my friends.
Everyone, stay strong cos' life's a bitch sometimes and we gotta bark back.

Flames to Dust, Lovers to Friends. Why do all good things come to an end?

I just can't get rid of that song in my head now.But still a pretty sad song,isn't it?
While waiting for all the photos to be uploaded, I shall talk... figuratively speaking.

What's over, I have no wish to repeat but I thought I should perhaps just update a few precious souls who still read here.
Hurdles over hurdles. That's how a relationship is tested.
I almost thought that this Jurong Birdpark trip is gonna blow to dust when I trashed things out with him. Quite unlike me but you gotta admit that talking is still better than not.
You don't expect things to go away or become better and the other party would understand without talking or rather communicating.

"You are selfish."
That is what I told Jason 3 nights ago. What was intended to be a good piece of news became one that thwarted me.
What happened was Jason was asked to sign with the biggest club in Singapore(Whichever that is) and he will decided to put his job searching till October.

If I am NOT selfish, I would have been happy for him. I never expect Jason to give up sports for me, although I wish sometimes. Sports was there before me. Their "relationship" is much longer than ours that I feel it has taken so much of him. I don't have to blah about the years of glory he had because of sports.
I wish I can like sports too, if even better, his sports. I don't. I am not a sports person so I tried to be as understanding as I can towards his commitment towards sports.

I remembered my friends asking how do I stand it? How do I take it when Jason is always so busy with his trainings? It's not that I don't feel it...I am just waiting. Because I know how much he loves this and I know that this training thing won't go on forever.
The days that I wanted would soon come to me. Meeting after work, saving money for a common future together, not to feel bad over dates that budget is a concern(and realistically a spoiler at times.)etc....
These days may not be as nice as now but still is a stage we will come to, if we will.

I considered myself waiting for Jason longer than I should. Another 0.5 year in school, another 0.5 year in army. Finally July is coming and I thought it's about time.
And hearing that news from Jason is not at all as great as he thought to be.

I thought he is being selfish when he expects me to understand, he expects me to "give the green lights" when my say is not part of the deal at all. I flared up when I heard him saying "Just let me do it once last time..."I literally shouted at him over the phone.

It's not that I can't wait. What is another 2-3 months to me when I have come this far,waiting and enduring the loneliness and the time he can't give?
Remember they always say women bear grudges and remember things?I thought that happened cos' disappointment was brought to them again and again. That's why.
I remembered feeling sore, sad, disappointed and what have you of his soccer over and over again. 4 years is how long we have stayed together and 4 years is how long I have been wanting to get over this.

I thought what do I get in return? I have been wanting Jason to bring me the small acts of love and romances me.Not enough time? It's okay but I want the love doubled during the time he has for me.

The second night he dared not call me. So I called and I trashed things over again. You know how you can't take an angry man's words for real but sometimes it reflected how much a person thinks he is being deprived of.
I told him I am sick of reminding and waiting for what I want and I am not happy anymore.

Now the latter is an angry man's words. It can't be true. I have not been happy not because of Jason solely. I created the mess myself and I ain't perfect lover. But the latter hurts him.

So blah blah de blah, we had 2 hurt souls. I told him that this is one last compromise. I let him do what he want with this soccer and if I still feel the way that I do, I feel there is no point of readdressing this issue anymore.
Words coded in words and I wondered why did I said that? IS that what I want?
What's done is done and what's said can't be taken back if you want to be taken seriously.

"You got it." He told me.
And so we begun our 47th month on this one last compromise.

Jurong Birdpark resumed and my first time seeing penguins.

Dunno where to start so just sui pian lah. (Ps:Not in Friendster de.)


Lory. It always amaze me that how colourful birds can be but honestly I am not too fond of birds. God's creation of animal that can be the nearest to heaven but they attack pretty hard with the beaks too.


I'm pretty scared that they will flew to me outta the sudden hence the plastic smile.


Ostrich. And then I'm worried that they will attack me cos' I'm in red.


Ostrich egg. Also my first time seeing a "live" one. The one in Science Centre doesn't count!

And I'm eating it. Hahaha.

Stupid ah neh with poor photo taking skills. Where is the waterfall and our faces?

I was a lil irked by the ah nehs over there. (They love birds so much?) There is one that suddenly just hand me his mobile and say "Press here" when I was waiting for Jason to help the malay family(who helped us to take photo) with their turn. What the fuck?! I could have threw his handphone to the pond loh.

Swans, totally ignoring me.The only 2 I saw around.


This is so funny!


Flamingoes. Don't tell me that flamingo in pural is not spell like this. I dunno lah.

Just in time for the bird show.

Finally the penguins! I dun want to post this one at Friendster cos' I looked as if I am a merlion. I am not!!!!Just the way I stood. =(

Whahaha..so cute!!!


No, they are not baby penguins. Some birds that live together with them, I guess.


BABY PENGUIN!!!!!!!!!!


Antartica. Yea,right.

That's enough for tonight.

Tomorrow's Monday again. Sob. Everyone, jia you ba.


Ajisen Ramen. I'm loving it.

Lazy vain gal's hope.

You know what pull us at the end of the day? We still apologise to each other and we know this is not meant to end. Not this way...yet?

=)

(Forget about the unequal sizes of pictures la..sui pian lah.)

I know I am not that smart

Especially years away from the school and my natural weakness from numerics in tests.

This is what I scored.



Well..better than the very last time I took...123 @ Emode. -_- but this test is so much shorter loh..

I am so not made for an outdoor gal. I don't like to sweat and I don't like to game. (Yet the games I played are those RPG types which of cos' I don't have the time and gadget right now.)

Was my first time playing Daytona with Jason during lunch today and I felt so klutzy in an arcade.That stupid boy was even giving in to me (and I still lost! -_-") But it's ok, Paradiz Arcade is one that you can lost without feeling paiseh.

Ah..darn, I gtg. Maybe next time.

Can't wait till Friday!

http://www.paulgoldinresearch.com/

Utmost in your mind is success. You are constantly seeking stimulation and
a life full of experience. You are trying to 'grow' and above all you need to
develop freely and to shake off the shackles of self-doubt. You are an
enthusiastic individual, full of life with the desire to live intensely. You
like contact with others and are enthusiastic by nature. You are receptive to
anything new, modern or intriguing. Your interests are many and you are likely
to expand your fields of activities. You are optimistic about the future and you
deserve every success because deep down you are a 'winner'.

You are lazy - you dream of a peaceful, calm, uncluttered and uncomplicated
life. Your ideal would be to share a permanent base with some person or persons
who would be able to demonstrate on-going love, peace and security.

You are feeling under considerable pressure and you are being forced to
make concessions. You are not particularly happy with this state of affairs but
you feel that you have no alternative. If you were to force issues you would be
left out or completely ignored by one and all.

You are experiencing considerable stress which is essentially the result of
on going rejection and hostility. You are in the unpleasant position where
offers of trust, affection and understanding are being withheld and you are
being treaded with a degrading lack of consideration. You feel that you are
being denied the appreciation that you deserve, which is essential to your
well-being and self-esteem, but you have to face up to the situation because as
matters stand at this time there is little that you can do about it - you feel
that you are getting nowhere and the continuous struggle is a lonely one: all
difficulties and no encouragement. Whatever you try to say or do is met with
continuous hostility and no matter how much you protest you are consistently
misunderstood. You need to escape from the situation but you are so perplexed
that you cannot find the strength of mind to make the necessary decision.


You really would like to be completely uninhibited - to let your hair down
- but you are held back by your sense of logic and rationalilty, since you
realise that by simple stupidity you could lose everything - whatever that may
be.

---While you are bloghopping, you tend to come across some interesting sites. May like to logon to the mentioned site to have a trial.--

He told me he likes short hair gal now..Oh Brudder! -.-

I haven't been the best of a girlfriend to Jason and ever since well...some recollection, I have been worse, I think.

Honestly I think I have been more demanding than usual. Maybe not demanding but I became focusing alot on what I need & want. I need romance and want my boyfriend to be the type that can lavish me with romanceSssss. I guess that's on the top of my priority needs in a relationship, somehow or another.

Just last night I waited to call him after work and he was on the car with his colleagues. So as we talked, there was alot of "Wait huh" while he answered or talked to the guy driving. (so that is a lil' irritating, you know.)
And so he was telling me this, "MAYBE~~~we can have lunch on Wednesday?" When the previous 2 lunch dates didn't turned up to be exactly romantically like, I wasn't in total favour of this 3rd proposal.

I thought this whole thing could be enhanced if he:

(a) drops me a message near my lunch time and tell me that he wanted to meet me for lunch.
(b) meets me for lunch with a surprise item (a small lil something?)

So I ended the call shortly telling him I gotta sleep and then I still indignantly messaged him this:

"You know, I thought when God created man and woman..He could have mark up the balance in needs & wants between them.The men wtih that blessed touch of extra sensitivity and romance are married, gay and dead. I dunno what's up with women having to put down in words what they want men to do(Irene's theory) but it kills what they originally wanted and needed as well(my theory). Show it to all of your band of brothers in the car.Good night."

Before I really fell asleep, I thought what is wrong with me?! Say if men and women all think and act in sync, there would be alot of peace, less divorce but would it be a lil' disgusting?

I thought again and really this is blardy my fault, again! Why have I become so demanding, I might as well married a customized robot.

So I wanted to meet Jason for lunch tomorrow and hope it turns up fine.I daren't ask for 'good' for good is just an expectation too high.

But..small something is still...good.
Mich without romance is like fish without cake.(Ok, I stop being cheesy.)


Isn't this so sweet?Would be better if the roses are plastic though. Imagine dried roses with bears then.

The ridicule of love

I dunno how Jason can stand me cos' I can't even stand myself sometimes.
I am an utterly awful person...sometimes.

All he asked was if I want to go to his grandparents' house for popiah and that made me boiled inside.
He (& his mum, auntie & uncle) sent his brother to Tekong today. I made up my mind to wait and loiter my time around before meeting him. Poor Jason asked that question (thru' message) & I fumbled.

I knew I am not being nice, infact nasty.I told him that he doesn't have to even bother to ask me go relative hunting unless for special occassion. (& nowadays I don't even give birthdays a hoot.)I dunno why I am so mean but I just feel frustrated inside.
Maybe it is because I have my Saturday planned in my head and going for home popiah just cuts the picture.

I even told him that I had enough of putting up a font of enjoying the kids' play and all the good girlfriend crap. You & me just know how uneasy it feels to be in a home other than your own or maybe it's just me. I'm quiet by nature and I don't like mingle around, not in a group whereby you have to put up a smile and pretend you enjoy everything there.
I said (and even say this...)that the reason is those are his family, not mine.

Period.

Now that's just mean, mean, mean,mean, mean!
(I dunno why I show strawberry tarts here. Other than it look really nice, I guess I just wanna reduce the meany degree.)

I knew I am wrong to say that but I dun apologise for what I said. The apology is only needed for how I said.
I do not dislike his family. But that's not equivalent to enjoying being with them. I'm not a family event person. It feels so weird like going out with another family but your own. Put yourself in my shoe and you will understand.
Maybe too many times before, I always tried to accomodate (and sometimes I know I volunteered cos' I miss them and I know Jason would like to be with them) so I just go out with them or whatever events they have.
Trust me, alot of times I feel stupid being there. I can't pretend to be a kid and keep going wherever the kiddos going. (I dont even play with them..much) I don't talk to his cousins. Aunties,uncles? I would be thankful if I am just being left alone to breathe. And that, I felt my prescence is STUPID!

That is what I do not enjoy and the idea of going to their gathering just tires me. That kinda "breathe...bring out your smile and ...shite." just make me rather spend my Saturday at home with my own family than any other. And that's probably another point. I am too a family defensive crab so the thought of instead of sitting in my own house with my family but in another house pretending to enjoy the minutes is biting me.
In conclusion, I rather we go out on our own or to our own homes.

Now so much for being defensive even though I meant to apologise, I guess that's me to Jason.
A beyond hope spolit brat.
I finally bought a BLUE colour top.

I feel Jason has every right to take part in the shouting competition with me. (We have never shout directly to each other though) I even challenged him not to meet me and forget about the movie.

But....But he still wanna meet me. Still in good temper, despite I'm really sure that I hurted him.

I'm not sure if I can do that if I were him.

The ridicule of love?
I just can't hold up to Jason.=/

I'm sorry, dear.
That's a sorry face and a sorry post that's still full of narcissism.

Cannot make it!

One wrong haircut(that I didn't asked for)created one bad Mich.
It has been one damn week that I fussed over the mirror and still can't look(& feel) better, can't lift my head as I walked in the crowd and took photos that look damn ugly.

Tell me that I am just imagining things to be but damn it I "cannot make it!"
My dark eye circles that won't go hiding, my stomach cramp attacks that's so unpredictable, the dry skin & hair and damnit,I had it!

I'm gonna try Von's way. I will wake up 30minutes earlier tomorrow. Probably no proper breakfast yet(no good ingredients) but I wanna spend it looking good, feeling better before I step outta the house. And when I return home, I wanna feel and look the same way!
I wanna slim down and I wanna look good.

Emotionally wise...I wanna settle it right. That is probably one major factor..=/

Would you marry me?

I was reading I-weekly when they talked about local artistes' Zhen Si Mei and Tang Yu Shu's wedding.
I thought...what does it takes between 2 persons to come to that stage.

Maybe I talked about this before but I am really envious of those who find the "courage" to take on that stage. While it is beautiful and filled with tomorrow's hopes but rationally it is too, uncertainty. So I sumed the whole process that needs is courage.(and love)

I am not in a hurry though but then who will be the one that I will choose and when will it be?

What's written in the magazine was one fine day that 2 persons felt it was time to get married and described it was a sudden stroke of emotion and gut tells them it is the time.So they talked about it and then the guy proposed one night. The guy proposed with the usual way of kneeling down with flowers and full of promises. What happened is the lady knelt too and gave him her promises cos' promises(she felt) should be from both parties and they almost cried that night.

It sounds really beautiful and I guess that is what I am searching for. A partner that can promise as well as someone who can make me give the same. I have been searching for someone who can give as well as make me give. A 50-50 relationship is difficult but I am still learning.
I am not saying that Jason is not the one for me but I guess I have not learnt enough.

Zhen Si Mei said that she was very surprised herself that she has the courage to marry, afterall marraige is the biggest promise in life. (They kept on using the word 'promise'. I guess when the heat of the passion fades, it is the promises & vows that should tie the the marraige.) But because Tang Yu Shu made her feel very secure and she believed that he will take care of her forever, she hence willingly give her all and learn to be a good wife.

Honestly...that's so sweet and I hope I can find that one day too.

I want long nice hair too!

I know I didn't looked good with long hair thenbut I think that's probably because I didn't know how to doll up then.
I think I gonna stop visits to salon for 6 months! Super f-king regret my last visit!Oh what have I done?I think I look like donkey now!

Manicured nails, flawless skin, smooth hair, slim bod....

I dread just thinking what to wear the next day.I need to look good to feel good! I don't belong to feel good,look good type.
What do you have to do to look like Denise Keller on front page cover?(Use Olay Total Effects?)
I was staring at Ms Keller featured on June's Her World issue and then to what I've picked to wear tomorrow. Sigh.
Doesnt help when I touched my dried,SHORT!, hair. (I DIDNT ASKED FOR A HAIRTRIM!!I only wanted my fringe to be trimed!) While the auntie was beaming proudly of the bod cut she gave me, I wanted so badly to stick the hair back.
And yes, it (the hair) feels so coarse now. Asiasence doesnt helps, Charles Washinton doesnt helps,Sunsilk doesn't and olive oil doesnt.All didnt revive!

Sob.So what am I gonna wear tomorrow?

Weather sucks.Think I need a hobby

When is the first time you did something for the last time?

I twisted the words on purpose. Felt that it posed more of a question than "When is the last time you did something for the first time."

It has been a hot, hot Saturday. One thing about Singapore is you dislike both the sunny and rainy days. Though the blue skies look absolutely beautiful to me but the sun is such a threat.

The shortlife of a flower is a shame but again, guess it served its purpose well.
When God created man, He should input some emotional sensitivity cum romance in the brain.
Irene,being such a dear, surprised me & Von with a yellow daisy when we came out from the ladies.
Trust me, it worked. The sweetness of the thought seeped deep in the heart and I guess, ladies need a stalk or so once in a while.
It's just so sweet and if Irene reads this, once more...Thank you, my dear.

With Irene, the only one glowing. I f-king regret letting the auntie snapped my hair. I remembered only asking to dye and trim my fringe!

Bishan has got Euro-Funfair! I was so excited when I saw the big (Ok, not exactly big) Ferris wheel when I was on my way home last time.
Singapore hardly have exciting fun fairs anymore and fun fairs are like my childhood memories and stuff I saw on TV.
This e Ferris.

So I made Jason to bring me there tonight. (And it's blardy warm loh.)

Taken @ the Ferris.

I dunno why I want to take a ride at the Ferris cos' basically you don't feel it's moving(and the sight ain't that great)and you don't even feel the wind.(Ok, no wind tonight) But I guess it's just one of those must-sit-if-you-go-to-funfair-once-in-a-blue-blue-moon kinda ride. Expensive,I remind you.

We only took 2 rides cos' it's so expensive but at least I tried something that I always wanted to(But never see it locally till tonight.)

It's a single chair merry fly round play. I first saw it on photo (when I was small) when my uncle played in Taiwan and I swore I want to play that. Sadly I never see it in Singapore's fun fair but tonight, I did. =)

I did not play that immediatly. The flying part looks scary and no one is taking it! (I tell you, fun fair in Singapore sucks.) But still we took it when Jason saw a few people were playing.

You think it's no scare?I screamed when it flied.

Jason thinks I screamed funny and keeps making fun. -_-

Funfair without the plushies is not one. This funfair has it and has nice ones!

But no, Jason did not win one for me.=/

Miscellaneous:

Because Irene were having lasagna yesterday and we spoke about V8 cafe, so I went to V8 for lunch.

I had always wanted to buy Skinfood products cos' they looks so nice. I wasn't wrong cos' even the powder has got such nice imprints.Check it out!

Mcdonald's happymeals has got Shrek toys. Wasnt too keen but I've got the gingerbread man anyway. (I didn't get it on purpose.) Can anyone decipher what that brown cookie is talking after the "Don't worry?" It sounded like "Mama dunno, oh no." to me though.

Alright, good night people.

Drink more water!

Paradoxical by nature

I do not belong to those that have a one way mind. I don't act, feel, behave in a single form. Some form of thoughts simply contrast with the others and I couldn't decide which is the best.

Paradoxical by nature, I guess people who are more emotional by nature are usually are.
I wanted so much of a freedom to choose for myself and those who love me, let me choose. And when I chose, I still wish for the thing I have not choose/chose to give up.

I chose to let my relationship with Jason tone down a step or two. And I am beginning not to be able to withstand the insecurity inside. No calls and letting his activities lying on top of me. I can beginning not to stand this.

I was casually asking him not to go for trainings/matches since there isn't much to do and he told me, "Cannot ah..without soccer, I will die."
I dunno why I remembered this so clearly.Not that I don't expect it but I felt a lil...funny. (Not funny ha-ha.)

But I mean...what do I want him to do then?Nothing right? One thing for sure though is he will not give up what he has been doing. If he will, he would...long ago. Long when I was feeling so torn.

I dont want to control Jason nor tie him to me. For I know, I am selfish enough not to promise him anything in return.

You see, in the midst of all my understandings for him and my part, I still feel unahppy the time he has for me. I wanted all his time and then I dont want all the attention and love that could trapped me in the end.
This is so bad and I dont understand myself. That is why I never really blamed Jason about his commitments for the other aspects of his life.

I thought not blaming doesn't mean I can't complain about it. The thing I dislike most about him is that I dont see any remedy that he comes up with? He can tell me that that he always let things to be my way, give in to me always and always pamper me. But I am beginning to realise this is NOT the way I want it to be.
I don't want him to only make me feel like princess when we meet and then so detached whenever we are not. I guess I understand now that one reason that I always feel that he is so far from me is that he simply doesnt do much to let me feel he is "by my side" whenever we are apart. And the only time we are together is when we meet up. (which stands 1 to 1.5 day in a week.)

For all the things, I am sick of feeling sad over this. It's not that I have been perfect and it's not that he has been the one hurting me. I hurt him alot more than this. I thought I could only make up to him by being more understanding on such matters...

I am alot more paradoxical than this.

Today I am just complaining about this. And then I thought...Who am I to complain about. Am I really settled..?

Some people need a dozen roses - Alicia Keys

I don't need a dozen of them but a stalk that pops outta the blue can be pretty sweet too.
Dear friends, it's Sunday once more, how are you coping?
Coming day marks the first official week (to me) of June and yes, we crossed the last of half 2007.
Pretty scary that time just flies like this.

At my age, I guess one of the more "popular" topic is Marriage.
How did gals of my age managed to get hitch...so early? Note, it's not fast but early?
Honestly I question not the matter of having the sufficient amount in the account. (Although that matters too.) But I am skeptical of the mentality and the emotion preparation to ride to the next stage.

When I was young and dreamy(still quite a dreamer), I thought it is quite ideal to marry at 24,25 and settle for my first baby at 27. Maybe a generation before me (those born in early 80s or late 70s) would have been able to achieve that and that is not a surprise.That just fits the picture ideally.

A colleague of mine just surprised us with an invitation to her ROM on this 30th.(It was not quite a surprise for me but still...) She is 24 this year and she is gonna get hitched.
She is following the norm whereby you ROM first and settle for the banquet 1 or 2 years later.

When I was much younger, I thought ROM is just like getting engaged. Little do I know that ROM marks you a MARRIED person. This idea doesn't much strikes me pleasantly.
I have my friends who are yearning to marry asap but to me...marraige..??

It's not that I have a phobia or some sorta negative approach towards it. I still think being able to find the right person and marrying is a beautiful thing. But I am a working person for around 2-3 years now(I can't recall exactly how long has it been since I graduated.) I met my fair share of married women.

Marriage doesn't ends with the beautiful and romantic proposal,(which it better BE a romantic and beautiful one!)the exhausting wedding preparation but seemly worth it at the end, the vows and rings exchange, the sourcing & establishment of a new nest and happily ever after.
It took alot of efforts throughout the whole journey to make it work. We have witnessed so many unhappy and even brokendones that reality does manage to sink in my mindframe.

More importantly to me, by saying "I do" means you are gonna step to a next phase of life. This next phase suddenly looks daunting to me. I live by comfortably now and really, I have not really settled down on heart affairs matter. It took me so long and still I am not able to make up my mind on a beautiful one besides me now or a beautiful one stuck in the past.(and a beautiful one that stands in between)

I asked my colleague how did she get ready? I mean, the kinda emo-preparation is very important, isn't it?I dunno if I can bring myself to say yes to a proposal if I were her. She is after all only 24. I can't imagined a year later, I would be able to make the same decision. (Is this called peer pressure? Haha.) She smiled and told me to wait for another year. Underlined statement. I wondered would a year really makes the difference?

A year later if I am still with Jason, he would have a job, maybe a career. Would we be able to make the decision of that happily ever after then?

Honestly I do envy my friends who are married but again, that's not my culture. I cant accept things when I am not prepared to. I don't follow blindly and I know, I am not eligible also.(Blah!)

How did I digress so much?

Tomorrow...Am I ready?
Oh Fyn, if you read this...hold me tight.


Mia, when you reveal your true colors in love, you're a Romantic Partner

You put your trust in old-fashioned love and romance. As a result, you don't want just any partner. You're looking for a devoted soul mate.
On your search for that person, you're one who can truly appreciate the rituals of courtship. Flowers, holding hands, thoughtful notes — these are the kinds of things that can set a heart like yours aflutter.
Once you've found that special someone who stirs your desire, a Romantic Partner like you may have a tendency to disappear in the throws of this passionate romance entirely.
But don't worry, once the relationship matures, you'll likely come up for air.

(You geddit?)

"I just want some security"

That is what my dear old pal - Bes, told me.
Love is selfish and love is complicated. You name me all the good and bad of love and I say it's human minds who polluted it but maybe the heart can salvages it.

Because of a shot of meaningless jealousy, I suffered from stupid stomach cramps now.My poor stomach suffered when the bad emotion left me and it's just ouch, ouch, ouch.(OUCH, OUCH, OUCH and OUCH!!!!) Sigh. =<

The line of possessive and not, the line of privacy and not, the line of trust and not, the line of faith and not, the line of understanding and not, the line of forgiveness and not.
I've been trying not to overcross those lines as far as I can control myself to.

I asked my friend, Bes,how could it be possible that men can forget the one that they claimed to love when a new one comes along? Can they simply wipe off the presence or can they?
Cos' I don't understand. I can't do that though I tried and most gals that I've known can't too.
So how can guys?

That, if you look at it objectively, is not a bad thing though. It gives the new one a better and fairer love too.
But I just don't buy that. I don't buy the fact that guys can look at the one(s) that they loved in an "un-tinted" tone, even they have a new one in that life. (Even the new one is the one they love now.)
I don't buy that cos' I can't do that. Because I can't do that, that's why I caused all the heartbreaks I caused. And to be fair, as much as I dislike it, I will not clutch any hatred to the fact that if there is someone else who left a mark in the heart of someone I am with now.
You have to understand there is a hugh difference between dislike and hatred at the end of the day.

"They always say dont think too much or whatever, but its just impossible for somone to forget the about one completely.Love is complicated and tiring, and sadly that's part and parcel of it."

That, Bes assured me that guys are the same. They do not forget completely as well.
Maybe not all guys but I believe in how I feel.

Maybe one part of insecurity forms when Jason seemed to be able to "forget completely." Even if I asked, he will seemed to have difficulty recalling the details.
I know Jason has STM sometimes and I trust him. But I trust my emotions more than anything.
Sometimes I feel that he seemed to be trying hard to feign forgetfulness to me.
I do not forget. I will not forget every smile and every single moment of "intimacy" (to own definition) of memory I have with or for the one I love/loved.
That is why I believe that Jason don't forget too. He just doesn't wish to invite more trouble by remembering and accounting to me.

I am emotional smart or sensitive, you may like to say.
I sense things but I do not like to probe. I leave it to the person to tell me.Maybe Jason is my boyfriend, that is why I feel uncomfortable when he tried to hide.

I remembered the first time I asked, he told me stop doing that cos' he doesn't want the memories gate to be opened.
I guess that is the truth, the first time.

I remembered the second time I asked, he can only tell me bit and pieces that doesn't seem important to me, cos' he said he can't remember.
I guess that is...It's not right to guess. Even if it is not the truth, I don't blame him.

I remembered one of the emails when he still cared to email me in the very early stage,he told me one long story about their time.
I guess that was it.
The earlier stage...when guys still remember the about being true and pure to a relationship.

I remembered during CNY when she sent a greeting message, I didn't even managed to read and see the name but he deleted so fast.I didn't know it was from her but gut led me to the right answer anyway.
I guess that was it.
I do not need explaination cos' I believe in Jason. He doesn't want to invite my insecurity and unwanted jealousy.

Humans, conflicting beings.
But I think you can't be saint. As much as I understand from my point of view, from Jason's point of view, I am still unhappy as the status of Jason's girlfriend.

Maybe to guys, they simply say..you say everything, confirm die. You tried to keep some, you may be safe.
God created woman after man for a good reason. I read somewhere that it says, "There's always a draft before the masterpiece." Hahaha.
To us, we just think that guys are trying to be smart and gals are just pretending to play along.

How much you are going to play stupid for a man and how you really become stupid for a man lies on how much you love yourself.

I dunno how much you can assure me but maybe just be true.
Being truthful takes courage.
And to be honest, I am kinda worried what next week may brings.
There is no end of escapism. I hope I can face it better this time round...when true decision of that night can be make.

Back to being your girlfriend..when is the last time you call me on your own?